The Health Q
International Standard Serial Number (ISSN) 1715 6165
Contents
A thing called happiness;
What can make you happier?; answers & suggestions;
After reaching the top, take another step;
Perfection in imperfection;
How much more can be less? (book review);
Tips for fostering happiness;
Say it kindly;
Tips for bringing kindness to your speech
Download as PDF
A Thing Called Happiness
by Parmjit Singh, PhD
Happiness is one thing we all pursue relentlessly and sometimes we get so focussed on achieving it that we create misery for ourself. In the whirlwind of our efforts, we forget what really makes us happy and how we can go about feeling it. We confuse the ‘means of happiness’ with the actual feeling of this emotion and that is where we make the biggest mistake.
In the end, despite achieving all the ‘materialistic markers’ such as comfortable income, respectable career, big home etc., we still feel bereft of joy in our life. It is notable that the depression rates in our society have gone up considerably around the same time we have recorded economic success. Our kids are more obese, unhappy and depressed than ever and the mental health of our society seems to be on a downward slide.
What is really going on? Why is it that everything seems so counter intuitive—we should be happier than our forefathers because of the money or material things we own—but this is not happening. We are not happier, at least not to the same extent we would have expected. Along the way, we have fallen into an age-old trap. Remember that humans never learn that from history.
We have committed the same mistake by confusing materialistic values with happiness. Recall that nobody in our living world has ever proclaimed (except ad agencies and marketers) that material things can buy happiness, yet we keep on hankering after them. If material things were the sole pathway to happiness, Buddha would have been happier presiding over his kingdom. Why would he leave his kingdom full of worldly pleasures in order to seek eternal happiness elsewhere? These facts aside, even scientists are confirming the old truth that, money, though important for basic survival, does not do much to make us happy after an initial value. The bottom line is that despite your perception, a millionaire might not be happier than a moderate earner in normal circumstances.
To be happy is to be in tune with our self, not to compare with others and have the courage to follow our purpose with resoluteness.
In this issue, we present an informal tool (page 1) for you to explore your tendency towards seeking happiness through materialistic means. Do the self-test on the first page and then turn over to page three to see the answers. Then read some handy advice from Dr. Barry Schwartz who tells how to maintain balance in the world of multiple choices. Byron Selorme talks about the courage of taking action and Joanne Malar shares her bits about family values and matters. In the end, Gurudarshan Jyot implores us to be kind in our speech.
As always, we wish you health and happiness.
Say it Kindly
by Gurdarshan Jyot, PhD
Being polite in everyday life is very important, for, not only does it foster relationships but also tends to create a sense of belongingness among people. Ideally, it is not what we say but how we say, that matters. We can say the same thing without hurting anyone’s sentiment or simply create havoc on someone by shifting tone or a gesture.
Everyday, we meet different people with whom we have to deal under variety of circumstances. In different situations we use different words under different contexts and the eventual tone of those words end up determining the outcome of the conversation. This takes even more importance when it comes to our close relations such as the spouse or parents. Sometimes we take them for granted and use harsh words unsparingly in the heat of the moment or during disagreement. We should realize that the emotional damage we cause unintentionally to others can shape the relationships towards the negative and adversely affect them in the long run.
We always need to remember to bring kindness in our speech–each time we speak to someone even on a street. By being polite we are not simply being courteous, but it is our own kindness we are reflecting. Bryant H. McGill rightly said, “Courteousness is consideration for others; politeness is the method used to deliver such considerations.”
Perfection in Imperfection
by Joanne Malar, Three Time Olympian
Having a family is a blessing. While it can be a source of boundless joy, it can also present its own challenges.
Here is what I have learned from the experiences about my family:
• We do not have to be alike or similar in characteristics, opinions, values or careers. We do need to be tolerant and accepting.
• We do not have to be similar in characteristics and yet we could be appreciative of our differences. How boring would the world be if we were all clones of ourselves!
• We do not have to live up to anyone else’s expectations, rather we must be proud of our own choices and who we have become.
• We should not feel we are sacrificing something by being together because we can learn so much about our roots, who we are, where we want to go and why we are the way we are… just by being together. This is invaluable information!
• We should learn to love our family members unconditionally and be compassionate towards their situations, issues and idiosyncrasies. Sometimes, our family members can be the most challenging personalities. When we learn to love and accept our family members, we can start to expand our understanding of people outside of our small inner family circle. There is so much brotherhood out there in the world to be enjoyed, if we are open minded and open hearted.
Somewhere along the line, ‘unconditional love’ becomes our binding factor. To me this is the ultimate relationship. It means, knowing that each of us understands that no one is perfect, and we love them for the person they are ‘unconditionally.’ It also means that we believe in the innate ‘good’ in them.
We should remember that we are not wholly defined by our family. We are all separate entities, separate selves, living in an environment that we call ‘family’. Family is what teaches us how to truly be ourselves as it is here that we chose to listen or ignore our true inner-self. Conflict usually arises between family members when we are challenged and torn away from our true self. By learning to be at peace with ourselves and to live harmoniously with our family, we take the first step towards living and seeing the outside world as one.
We all need to learn to appreciate individual strengths and differences. The problem with most relationships, especially between relatives, is that we often don’t tolerate ‘imperfect’ or ‘disliked’ characteristics in family members. But those imperfections are what make them individual.
Discovering and accepting the imperfections among family members not only strengthen our family ties but also inch us closer to our own true self. That is when we start accepting our ‘self’ too.
After Reaching the Top, Take Another Step
by Byron Selorme
When you actively approach something which you are scared of, the very decision to act tends to dissolve fear. That could be the fear of failure, fear of losing love or respect from those we care and the fear of lack of money.
These fears start as small discomforts. However, we often do not address them at that time. Later they build up, thanks to all our internal thoughts repeating seamlessly.
In a Yoga practice similar things come up. We experience discomfort in a pose and every time we approach a pose, we feel some dread or anxiety rising up within us. This is really an opportunity that we so often miss. That moment, when we truly find something, is uncomfortable and that is when we need to ask ourselves “why”? We need to observe what we are avoiding, and then move in the direction of that discomfort. This is where the free, happy, spontaneously joyful life resides.
Personally, I also cower from this choice over and over. I fight it and look for the safe and easy way out. I find ways to distract myself or avoid a decision. It is silly because life is patient and kind. It offers the lessons in different ways. Finally, when I can take no more, or get frustrated with this, I take the plunge and dare to act. The results are often so anticlimactic that I am embarrassed for having put it off for so long. Everyone else goes on about their business as if it was unimportant. It might have been an apology that I held back from, a donation that I clung to, for the fear that there will be none left, it might have been a pose that I needed to adjust—the sooner I act, the less power the fears have over me. The sooner I let it go and dive in, trusting that either divine guidance, inner resilience or some combination will get me through, the sooner I find true freedom.
We all know what we need to do. If you have something which you have been avoiding:
something with family, an apology, a business you need to start, a cheque to write, an exercise program to commit to, stand up and speak in front of people, or to practice that pose you hate—stop fussing and fretting and do it now. Do it NOW and be free. The very act of doing will free you from fear.
Book Review
by Parmjit Singh
THE PARADOX OF CHOICE | by Barry Schwartz | ISBN: 0060005688 | Imprint Ecco | Format: Hardcover; Pages: 288; $23.95; $36.95(CAN) | Also available as Trade Paperback
How much more can be less?
Multiple choices are among the many factors that drive our modern life and we are often coaxed into believing that more choices mean more happiness and freedom. But is it really true? If that is the case then why is it that in this age of countless choices and unbridled freedom more people are depressed and unhappy? What is really going on? Is there a dark side to having too many choices or does the presence of choices in life, career, consumer products, and relationships exact their own psychological toll on humans?
This and countless and other important questions related to life-satisfaction and psychological well-being are explored in this decidedly readable and insightful book The Paradox of Choice. Barry Schwartz’s book is alive with reason, research and sane advice for consumerists who like to have more choices in almost every conceivable sphere of life. And his advice is simple: more choices can potentially land you in trouble! “As the number of choices grows further, the negatives escalate until we become overloaded. At this point, choice no longer liberates, but debilitates. It might even be said to tyrannize.” (pg. 2)
The Paradox of choice is laid out in four sections with eleven chapters and it goes into the anatomy of choice-making and its consequences in the form of loss of control, regret and depression. We are often told that added choices can make our life easier. But is it so? Schwartz, however, says that, “A large array of options may discourage consumers because it forces an increase in the effort that goes into making a decision.” Multiples choices are always not that much of a blessing and can be a source of stress and depression because “It is the cumulative effect of these added choices that I think is causing substantial distress,” (pg. 44)
Similarly, “as the number of options increase, the effort required to make a good decision escalates as well, which is one of the reasons that choice can be transformed from a blessing” (pg. 49). Too many choices can lead to cognitive overload. Imagine getting overloaded when you have to make a sound decision. In that case, overwhelming choices that act as potentially debilitating on decision making, lead, in some cases, to regret, indecision and depression. This problem is compounded by our lack of self-knowledge and susceptibility to advertising campaigns as “We probably like to think that we’re too smart to be seduced by such “branding” but we aren’t” (pg. 54). We fall prey to carefully crafted ads in media.
Another problem is that we have “come to seek and accept only the best” (pg. 76). This is called the tendency to ‘maximize’. But how can something be ‘the best’ when there are so many possibilities, when every moment there are new brands and new choices. The pursuit of ‘the best’ becomes a wild goose chase. Just imagine buying MP3 players from one store and then stumbling on a better one for a lesser price in a store on the other end of the mall. How would you feel about it? In this sort of fluid market, can one really aspire to become a maximizer or shoot for the best without running the risk of being dissatisfied and regretful with the decision? Here lies the problem, says Schwartz. Too many options create pressure to make a good decision. Pressure leads to stress and when we are stressed, we can not make good decisions because of too much cognitive noise. Options in this case become counterproductive and “it is certainly possible that choice and maximizing are not independent of each other” (pg. 96).
Contrary to what we expect, though we have “more freedom and autonomy, we don’t seem to be benefiting from it psychologically” (pg. 99). In fact, it is creating misery and unhappiness among people. An important premise of choice is that we can have unlimited control of our life and, “that more control people have, the less helpless, and thus the less depressed, they will be” (pg. 109). But how can we exert control on the outcome when possibilities are limitless. Perhaps that is why people are ever more depressed than they were few decades back where the choices were limited and freedom was not that pervasive. This is a paradox, the central premise of this book. It explores the counter-intuitive shades of human life.
Barry Schwartz charts an important terrain of human life in his book. He lays bare the paradoxes and consequences attendant to unlimited choice and provides a recipe for living a fulfilling life. His advice is simple and summed up in the following points: (1) Choose When to Choose (2) Be a Chooser not a Picker (3) Satisfice more (settle for good enough), maximize less (4) Think about the Opportunity Costs of Opportunity Costs (5) Make your Decisions Non-reversible (6) Practice an “Attitude of Gratitude” (7) Regret Less (8) Anticipate Adaptation (9) Control Expectations (10) Curtail Social Comparison (11) Learn to Love Constraints (pg. 222-236).
The Paradox of Choice is an insightful and well-researched book and should be read by anyone who thinks that in order to be happy one should have unlimited choices. If you are one of those, think again and read this book, it might end up telling you what you really need to do to be happy.
Simple steps for bringing kindness to your speech
• Smile before picking up the phone
• Take deep breaths before answering an angry email/mail
• Count 1 to 10 before shouting back in anger.
• Look for reasons to be kind in act
Is your sleep choppy, restless and full of nightmares? If so, try the following:
• Do not read before going to bed.
• Drink warm milk .
• Do mild physical exercises 30 minutes before the bed time.
• Listen to relaxing music, pray or just focus on your breath.
What can you do to foster happiness?
Some do-it-for-yourself suggestions:
• Post reminders around your living and working space to take note of your actions (e.g. eating, shopping, etc.) when under emotional stress such as anger, impatience and frustration.
• Do not judge, just be aware of these actions. Be a witness.
• Ask yourself, “Why am I doing what I am doing?” Be ready to accept the answer, do not censor.
• Try to bring this understanding into your daily living. Try to live by it, moment by moment, day by day.
• Suspend a compulsive habit once a week, e.g. drinking coffee or smoking.
• Do not compare your lot with others. You are not them. Respect yourself.
• For more tips, follow the advice given in The Paradox of Choice (read above).
What old wisdom and recent research say?
Materialistic values create unhappiness and ‘unhappiness’ creates materialistic values.